That time we almost got arrested in Chinatown

To quote the late, great Sophia Patrillo from Golden Girls, picture it, New York City, summer of 2009. A young couple visiting from Florida found their way to Little Italy. As they carried on with their usual banter when deciding on a meal spot, a young, Asian woman wearing a white Polo hat walked behind the girl, and with so much as a whisper, she purred, "Pursessss?"

The girl immediately snapped her head AND body around making the ever so slight transition towards Chinatown, leaving her beautiful beau in haste to keep up with the lovely girl who offered such an enticing offer. After all, the plan was to head this way after lunch anyhow. This was surely a sign!

Keeping with a brisk pace, the gentleman of the Florida girl was offering what in retrospect could only be a premonition of what was to come: “Megan, are you sure about this? " "Should we trust her?" "You're really walking REALLY fast!”

With devoted determination and her little legs just a going, the girl said back, "Shush, Hunter! Keep up."

After a little bit of a trek, they arrived at their destination. This could be where the boy may have started to get into the girl's head. "Megan, she just went down below the ground. She is going down stairs. Underground. Are you serious right now?!?”

Just as the girl was ready to follow her own common sense, the door from below opened and out waltzed three lovely girls adorned with Coach, Chanel, and maybe a Dooney and Bourke? She thought she recognized that pattern…hmmm, anywho. All were smiling and giddy, and headed off to more city fun with fabulous new bags. As quick as this situation started, that girl was headed down those stairs moving through wood-walled rooms.

Once inside the initial lady with the Polo hat left, after communicating with two other ladies. They smiled at the boy and girl and nerves were slightly decreasing. The girl smiled back while speaking to her man who should never have doubted her. "See? Told you it was all good."

The reluctant boy and the enchanted girl made their way around the 300 square foot space with its three rooms that offered different brands and labels. After about 20 minutes and three purses selected, the girl was ready to buy. One lady bagged the goods while money was seconds from being exchanged between the second lady and the girl.

Suddenly, the bagging lady came rushing over to the lady helping with the transaction speaking with frenzy and in a different language holding a walkie talkie that was relaying similar panicked communication. One of them scurried to shut the door that led to the world above. Utter panic rushed over the boy and girl. The ladies shushed them while smiling nervously.

"WHAT IS GOING ON? Why are you closing the door?!?!?!"

"We'd like to leave,” said the boy. Here, take your purses."

And that's when the sledge hammer came through the door.


Yes, a sledge hammer accompanied by a booming voice declaring "NYPD!!!! OPEN UP!!!" Another blow with the hammer came down.

The women whispered and shushed the boy and girl and the only two other people in the room. Those people happened to be from Spain and spoke exactly none of the English language. This was just becoming more of a magical experience for the boy and girl once given this reality.

The boy grasped for his cell phone only to see zero bars for service. AWESOME. The boy again said, "We would like to leave!! OPEN that door."

For a split second, the two women manning this derailing train stared blankly at the demand. Then, one walked over to the door and pulled at the handle.

In marched several men and women with shields, literally, speaking such poetry like, "Get down on the ground in sitting position!” “Do NOT move!”  “HANDS VISIBLE!"

The girl's eyes welled with tears as she fell to Indian style. The boy lost all Florida sun from his face. They sat while what appeared to be undercover agents stomped through the cellar making themselves incredibly clear that Macy's had fine options of purses.

"So, you want to come get the deal down below, huh? You're into stolen goods, huh? Ever heard of Macy's??? This is a million-dollar-a-day gig going on here and you just wanted to get your piece!"

"Get them out of here! All of ‘em! I don't want to look at them! Take ‘em in!!"

"Now, now Johnny, just take it easy. Walk upstairs and get some air."

As "Johnny" made his way out, the girl began to cry fully now. Head in her hands, she mustered up the only logical thought in all the land..."Dammit, that Chanel bag was perfect."

This may be where the boy truly thought about offering up the girl entirely to the authorities—with dedicated testimony. Kidding. The boy did decide enough was enough though.

"Excuse me, sir, we had NO idea this was illegal. My…idiot girlfriend just has a hard time with bags. She needs help, sir. We are here from Florida, only second day on the trip, and we are INCREDIBLY sorry."

As the girl was practically transitioned into the fetal position on the hard cement floor becoming further convinced they did indeed come down the stairway to hell, in comes the first girl, the Polo-hat-wearing monster who lured them towards this awful place. Handcuffed and looking more than agitated.

"This the girl that showed you the place?"

The boy and girl both looked at each other...then at the girl with fire shooting from her eyes... "Uhh, oh, um, gee, I'm not wearing my glasses?? Can't be sure…”

"Listen", the boy interjected, "We didn't actually buy anything. We looked around. No money exchanged hands. We told them to open the door the minute you guys got here. I tyink there’s been a misunderstan—”

"You asked to leave?"

"Um, yes, sir. Don't much like sledgehammers coming through doors," the boy said in earnest.

And with that, the air changed. Apparently, asking to leave was the right thing to do. That and the officers may have taken mercy that no hits came back from the boy and girl's IDs. They were told to get far, far away from the area and really, just go to Macy's.


As the boy and girl climbed the rickety stairs, they made it above to fresh air and freedom. If the girl wasn't such a germaphobe she would have kissed the ground she gratefully stood back on. The couple looked at each other with relief and hope for the future, with the surveillance vans and New York's finest all around. decided to get back to the initial game plan. "So,” the boy asked, “ravioli?”

Bright eyed and smiling the girl said, "Sounds delicious.” And off they walked.

“Man, that was SUCH a good Chanel. Total bummer, right?"

And the boy just looked at the girl in total awe for so, SO many reasons.

Til we meet again,
M